Christmas, Covid, and navigating relationships this year!
I don’t know about you but what has been the most challenging thing for my mental health this year has been navigating relational dynamics and communications when every couple of months the “rules” around relating change.
Yes, it has been tough to not see friends, to not be able to eat out, go to bars, hug each other but for the most part I have managed well with ramping up self-care and letting myself rest more this year. It’s more the invisible stuff that has been difficult.
Most of the talk around mental health has been about routines, self-care, exercise, diet, reaching out etc, but there has been very little on how to navigate difficult conversations, misunderstandings, assumptions, arguments, disappointments, and all the different ways people cope with this and other types of conflict that has been brought to the fore. And so, I would like to touch on it a little bit here.
What has been difficult for me personally has been keeping up with the different “levels” of restrictions here in Ireland and what that means exactly. When restrictions were looser, I had friends and family who were all for meeting up and getting out, and then those who were still very cautious. I found this confusing to navigate. I had friends and family who were happy to bend the rules here and there for the sake of their own mental health and then those who don’t. But nobody ever really talked about it. It was all invisible.
Can you relate to some of this inner talk?
Would “so and so” be insulted if I asked them to meet up? Should I wear a mask in their home? What will they think if I don’t wear a mask during our walk? In the summer I travelled abroad, who should I tell? It seems some family members are a lot more “relaxed” with the rules and others are not, where do I stand? Why does Dunnes Stores allow customers to try on clothes and M&S does not? Now this staff member in M&S is shouting at my friend for trying on coats on the shop floor. She must be very stressed. Why is there no sign that you can’t try on clothes? Can I share in my support group that I broke the rule and drove to see my parents or will they judge me? What’s Christmas going to be like? Are we still doing the kriskindle gifts? I don’t want people to feel like they have to buy presents when funds are tighter. My sister is flying home for Christmas. Should that be kept quiet? Will my friends get annoyed if I don’t want to chat on Zoom so much anymore? I’m sick of it. That person used to hug me in level 3 but now in level 5 they don’t. Mum has taken to secret walks with a friend in a graveyard. Should I be worried? What will the neighbours think? Generally.
I’m a big believer that the quality of our relationships is a BIG factor in mental health, and how we navigate these when times are both difficult and confusing is therefore an important consideration. Here are some areas and tips to consider to help during these times when it comes to relating:
1. Acknowledge what is challenging in your relationships at the moment. All relationships. Allowing ourselves to just name things creates a bit of space between us and the difficulty. We are not it. We are just experiencing it. There is no rush to resolve anything.
2. Consider how you would like to feel this Christmas. Write it down. Bring clarity and focus to how you’d like your overall experience to be.
3. Bring the focus back on you. If you are wondering this and that and this about all these other people over there, it is easy to lose ourselves. We can then get caught in people pleasing, co-dependency, worrying about things we can’t control and negative thinking. Consider what you can do for yourself right now to feel better in the given situation.
4. Self-care. Make time for it and induldge in it. When we nourish ourselves we can show up to our relationships from a more connected place.
5. Seek and give clarity. If the relationship is filled with confusing communication, unmet needs, expectations and assumptions, ask yourself: what clarity do I need to get and what clarity can I offer? Have clarity in communication as the goal as more important that the content.
6. Make requests, not demands.
7. Be kind.
8. Be patient.
9. Look for the humour in your frustrations with loved ones. This always works for me.
10. Remember that we can never know exactly what is going on for others. If someone is stressed and acting out, bring compassion and kindness to them and yourself.
11. Boundaries. Be clear and honest with yourself about your needs. What is ok and what is not ok. Stick to your own boundaries.
12. Have a support plan. If you get into fights a lot at Christmas, make sure you have a few backup plans to support you. They can be friends who you can call, support groups and a few self-care resources in your toolkit like exercise, dance, music, reading. When you get irritated or triggered, agree with yourself to default to a self-care item first.
13. Step away if you need to. I go into a bit of a freeze mode in conflict so what always helps me is taking some time out and coming back to the conversation later. Let the other party know that this is happening and that you are not abandoning them.
14. Be kind to yourself with your inner critic. If you feel guilty for taking space or stepping back, that’s ok. It is a normal response if you are not used to it. It is just the system getting used to a new way of being around others. The guilt comes from a place of care for others. But anyway, most of the time, those “others” hardly notice when we take me-time.
15. Apologise. If you snap, treat or speak to someone in a way that you don’t want to, then don’t be afraid to apologise later. Otherwise we can end up carrying all sorts of guilt, awkwardness or tension. Explain what was going on for you from a place of vulnerability as you feel safe to. Clearing the air is a wonderful way to find connection again. No one is perfect in relationships. We all slip up.
16. Choose joy. There is so much joy and wonder in this world. Welcome it.
If you are worried about Christmas and how to navigate these types of difficulties or feel you need support with this, I can help you with that. Let’s chat! As part of my coaching practice, I offer support around relationships and how to best look after yourself in challenging contexts that cause stress. Get in touch with me here to book a free consultation for a chat on coaching.
I’ve also got an online course coming up in January 2021! It’s mostly about hormones, the body, the nervous system and the menstrual cycle but there is also a big part on relationships skills as part of wellness. Read more and book your spot here.
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